


Discarded

by BrightestSun



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Existential Angst, Gen, Meditation, Melancholy, Sabrina lies on a bed and thinks about life, kind of sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 08:51:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16594736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightestSun/pseuds/BrightestSun
Summary: Sabrina's left without Chloé during summer vacation for a few weeks. As a result, she finds herself lying in bed, unable to function, and trying to figure out what in the world she is without someone holding up her strings.





	Discarded

“ _ Why do I put up with Chloé? _ ”

It’s funny, I get asked that really often, and it’s always easy to answer. “she’s actually really nice when you get to know her” or “when we’re alone it’s like she’s a different person” or something like that. I’ve had that conversation so many times and it always just jumps out of my mouth like a creature, hiding just behind my lips, ready to defend Chloé’s honour to anyone who would threaten it.

It’s funny how easy it is to justify things when people put you on the defensive, when people threaten your way of life. It’s like every day I purposefully hit my head against a brick wall and I don’t know why, but if someone asked me why I did it I’d get offended “It helps me think in the long run! You just don’t get it!” I wonder if it’s just me, or if it’s a general flaw in people.

Chloé definitely does it as well, but for her it’s her natural state, being defensive about every single detail about her life. Noone has to ask her, she’ll defend herself to the bitter end from an invisible foe she perceives to always be there, eternally judging her. In her defense, people do judge her, harshly, but it’s a vicious circle, they wouldn’t treat her that way if she hadn’t treated them that way first.

I have to wonder if the reason I’m so defensive is because I’ve hung around Chloé too much, that maybe it’s rubbed off on me, the disdain for the world, the paranoia. I wonder often if, with every passing day, I become a little bit less of a human being and a little bit more of a puppet. I sometimes feel like a thing, an object walking next to, well, behind Chloé everywhere. Simply there as an accessory and to hear out her thoughts, like a walking diary. I imagine sometimes when she asks me or tells me to figure something out, that she pulls a string on my back and I say one of my preprogrammed lines “that looks great on you Chloé”, “that’s a great idea Chloé”, “Of course Adrien loves you Chloé, it’s just Marinette and those other girls confusing him!”

It’s strange, I really do mean it when I say it, I never think to question it for a second when the words exit my mouth. But then when I get home, when Chloé’s not around, things seem so much more complicated, and I wonder why I even say those things. Lying on my bed during summer break, it feels like the shadow of doubt has gotten its claws in me for real, for the first time. I wonder why that is?

I suppose it’s because I’ve been busy up until now. If I’m not at school I’m with Chloé, and just about all of my thoughts are devoted to making sure she’s happy, taken care of, not looking to replace me. Then when I get home, I do my homework, a full time job honestly, then I have to do all of Chloé’s homework as well. By the time I’m done I’m usually exhausted, and even so I have to check up on everything to make sure I’m not lost by the wayside. Check all of Chloé’s socials and like and share everything, God forbid I didn’t like her fancy dinner or her hundred new outfits.

I wonder if Chloé understands how lucky she is to have all these things. To have a Sabrina and a Butler who care about her so much they hardly have time for literally anything else. Honestly how pathetic is it that one of my fantasies is having a Sabrina of my own? To have someone who listens to my thoughts and feelings no matter what they are, who encourages me and helps me. “That outfit doesn’t make you look fat at all Sabrina”, “having fantasies about Disney princesses is completely natural Sabrina”, “tell me more about cats Sabrina.”

Ugh, of course that couldn’t happen, because when I told Chloé those things, I meant it. But no one could tell me those things with a straight face. That I’m not a weird perverted loser. It occurs to me that maybe that’s why I’m friends with Chloé, because she tells me all the things I need to hear, the flaws I have to correct. If Chloé had supported me blindly I would never have gotten a better fashion sense, or gotten into a proper training routine, I would never have improved at all.

The truth is that Chloé isn’t nicer to me in private, she might even be meaner. I never told her about my shameful fantasies and yet somehow I fear she knows. But maybe that’s a good thing. She’s quick to point out when something looks dykey, I’ve never heard her say that to anyone else but me.

She’s looking out for me, making sure no one else finds out I have thoughts like that. She even helps encourage me to date guys, it’s one of the most selfless things she does. So she really is my friend, she really does look out for me where it matters, helps me not be weird.

I wish I could go on vacation like her, or with her. But it’s a family thing and I’m just… not. I barely have family. I wish I could take pictures of my food that got a few hundred likes, Chloé even encouraged me to start doing so at one point, apparently she doesn’t realize that when I eat at home, I eat microwave dinner. I keep thinking I should learn to cook, but as sad as it is to come home to an empty house and throw something in the microwave, it somehow seems sadder to try (and fail) to cook pasta for myself.

I know Chloé’s not home for another 5 days, and I still went by the hotel today. The doorman asked if I wanted to come in, I’m not sure what he expected me to do in there, I’m not sure what I was there for in the first place. It’s silly, and yet I thought about going in there, sitting up in Chloé’s room, lying on her bed and just waiting for her to return. Maybe her chefs would microwave my dinner for me haha.

I keep seeing people in their 20’s talk about “how to adult”, they feel like children who can’t work out how to step into the next phase. I can’t relate, I can’t remember the last time I felt like a child, and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like a teenager. Being an adult, no, I don’t think I know how to be a person. Maybe I should just sit on Chloé’s bed until she comes home, next to her other stuffed animals.

How is it, that I know how insanely tragic that sounds, and yet it seems like a nice prospect? Like something that actually sounds appealing. Are there others who feel this way? Who simply wish to be useful and not be noticed as anything but a tool.

A heavy sigh, proof of my living flesh. If a puppet lies in an empty house, abandoned by its owner, is it really a puppet? Or just a discarded piece of wood or porcelain. Does the life of a marionette have purpose if no one holds up its strings?

So I guess the question isn’t “why am I friends with Chloé” but rather “what would I be if I wasn’t?” because I literally don’t know and it terrifies me. I wouldn’t exist without her, so until she returns, I guess I’ll lay here, experiencing nonexistence.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I know this is a weird fic but it's fairly personal to me. I really did feel like Sabrina when I was that age (I still do sometimes), and writing something like this is pretty meditative.   
> I don't know if anyone will read this but I hope that if you did I hope this struck a chord with you.


End file.
